I can’t quite pinpoint when in elementary school I became aware I wasn’t like the other girls. But once I did the differences seemed insurmountable. Taller. Chubbier. A big ol’ clumsy mess that didn’t entirely fit the mold. BIG being the operative word. Don’t ask me where the mold came from.
Through the years I struggled with trying to suppress myself. To be shorter. To appear smaller. To downplay my awkwardness. My internal message was often you are too much, pipe down! At times it worked, but “big Tonda” never fully stopped pushing her way forward.
In high school I realized everyone had changed physically. Most girls had surpassed me in height as my chubbiness gave way to curves. But the damage was done. It didn’t seem to matter. I would always feel BIGGER THAN in every aspect of me, and for some reason that equated to WRONG.
Finally, through the organic mutation of life cycles I arrived at a revelation. My nest was emptying. My mothering was molting. And suddenly I knew that the BIG areas of me were for a grander purpose that made them fit. Instead of awkwardly fidgeting in my skin I began to let loose some seams and feel at home. I had made being Tonda way more difficult than it should have been. I had adopted the wrong standard.
God is infinitely BIG and He created us in His image. When He is our standard, we are BIG in the best possible ways – as He needs us to be. His intentional craftsmanship. That is so freeing.
Resist your attempts to minimize who you are. God created you to be BIG in specific areas so He can use it. Let that peace rule. Be kind. Love well.